Monday, May 2, 2011

You know you want to know too!

I really can't put into words how much everyone's support and prayers has meant to G.I. Joe and myself during this time. I said this on facebook the other day but I will say it here too. Words can't undo what happened or really change how heartbroken we are but it DOES make us feel so loved, like we aren't alone in this. That is priceless. Today I had what will hopefully be my last doctor's appointment and blood draw. If my numbers are completely down then everything has passed. That's what we hope for because its no fun at all going back and forth to my OB's office, hanging out with ladies who are about to pop, hearing cheers of joy from the ultrasound room and a grandma shouting "MY FIRST GRANDDAUGHTER!!!" I'm so happy for the pregnant women in my life but I just need a break from that place. So today I gave more blood....I'm seriously looking like I shoot up or something, its so gross. And we talked to my OB about "what-ifs" and "maybe next time's."

There are some questions a lot of people have asked and some people have hinted at wanting to ask so I figured I would go ahead and answer them here for everyone :) And yes, we totally don't mind answering questions. No one has to beat around the bush. First I wanted to put one thing to rest. 99% of our combined family and friends found out about the pregnancy and miscarriage the same way: Facebook and this blog. I'm so sorry for those who were hurt by this but we really didn't pick and choose who to call and who would have to hear it with everyone else. I chose to tell everyone this way because just telling the very few people we did was so hard. I got tired of saying we lost our baby. We were having a hard time so I went with the option that allowed the most amount of our family and friends to find out at once. But I truly never meant for any feelings to get hurt. That was the furthest thing from my mind.

Now on to the "popular" questions....


Do you know what went wrong?
No and there won't be any way to tell.  This "type" (that's a poor choice of wording but I can't think of anything else) of miscarriage is very common and there is nothing that can be done that would have prevented it. Not that any of that helps. Believe me, I still feel a lot of mommy-guilt and try to figure out what I did wrong. 


Does this change your mind about trying to have another baby?
Yes and no. We have been very open about feeling like our family was complete with Lucy. And we also said if something happened (like our pleasant surprise with Bunny) then we would be totally excited. Now though do we feel like our family is less complete somehow? Not really. We like to think we are still a whole, complete family. Its just that not everyone is physically here on earth. But we got attached to the idea of Lucy having a sibling to play with and everything that comes with that. We feel very torn. On one hand we don't want to jump into trying for another just because we are sad about this loss. On the other hand we don't want to make the decision not to have another out of fear and heartache. We are not at all in the place we feel like we need to be to make a huge decision like that now. Hopefully before G.I. Joe deploys we will have a very clear direction from God on what we need to do for our family. In the meantime, we feel like even though this baby isn't here right now we don't need to be obsessing over having another. This is just what we feel is right for us.

How are you doing?
"Okay." That's the answer you will get from us on the phone or in person. But the truth is we still sit and cry together every night. Thank God G.I. Joe was able to rearrange some things and be home now and home for Mother's Day. It wasn't supposed to be like that but people have been very understanding. We are struggling with this but we're dealing with it and taking things a day, or hour at a time. A family member told me to listen to this song because he really knew it would help us right now and the end basically says that in the arms of God the aching may always remain but the breaking does not. We're still at the broken stage but we have faith God has a plan and will bring healing.


What can we do for you? 
I rarely know what to say when people offer to do things. We honestly just appreciate the thoughts and prayers. When I feel like the hurt is unbearable I read some text messages, and emails and things like that and its a comfort. A virtual hug helps more than you can ever realize.



I promised my next post would end a happy note 
so here's what's made me happy lately! 

My favorite movie star :)




Too glam for her own good. 




Photobucket

13 comments:

Wife of a Sailor said...

Here are some huge virtual ((((((HUGS)))))

frommylefthand said...

Oh ... Audrey Hepburn looks "maaauvelous". heehee

Jen said...

It is always so hard answering those questions, having answered them myself. I am praying for your comfort in all of this. :)

Tonya said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I'll be praying that God will give you and your family comfort and peace during this difficult time. And by the way, Lucy's dress is beautiful! I agree, she looks just like a movie star!

AM and BE said...

aww, I'm so so sorry to hear that. I hadn't been following long enough to see the whole story when it happened, but as part of your "blogging family" of followers, I have to say that I am proud of you for keeping God in your family and being able to step back and look at all the angles. I really hope that God shows you the direction that is best and you don't let this sadness weigh you down. You are a beautiful, amazing, and strong woman (and I'm sure an amazing mommy too!!) so don't feel guilty. I know you have never met me, but I hope you find comfort that you, your husband, and Lucy will be in my prayers tonight. Thinking of you!!! And remember the song, "Everything's gonna be all right..."
acreedandapsalm.blogspot.com
-AM

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Lots of love and prayers still coming from me.

She's such a sassy girl! Love it :)

JG said...

Sending lots of hugs.

The Sometimes Single Mom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, love...

R said...

sending even more *HUGS*, love, thoughts & prayers your way... thinking of you sweetie.

Mateya said...

Glad to hear you are doing "okay." Please know that I have been thinking about you and praying for you!

Lucy is an absolute doll! :)

Angie said...

courageous post, and beautifully written amidst the pain. prayers for this week, especially for sunday.

Carolyn said...

I love the name of your blog--its too true to many of us! Expect for the heals...i would probably twist my ankle... =)

I'm a new follower--would appreciate a follow back when you have a min.

www.cookinformycaptain.blogspot.com

Carmen said...

I am so sorry this happened and you remain in my prayers! :)