Monday, July 5, 2010

What are your fears?

I'm writing an article for my new column (which I can't wait to tell you all about)
and need a little "research."

So I decided to ask you girls, all my awesome milspouse bloggy friends!

The big question is....

What do you fear in this military life?

What are things you worry about?

(And that's besides the obvious "worst fear")

Thanks ladies!
If you don't want to post your answer because you want to keep things private then just email me at

And I promise I won't be sharing names or anything on the website article.
This will strictly be a list of common spouse/significant other fears.


{Amanda} said...

Well, my husband is deployed, so you know my biggest fear. I think we all have that in common, though...

Other than that, I really had to think... I think next would be my fear that my husband will change after this deployment. That he'll suffer because of something {or things} that he's seen. That he'll come back to me a different man. I fear that also.

lola said...

Aside from the obvious "worst fear" I think another fear I have is having difficulty making close friends at whatever posts we head to next. I'll know several girls at the next location, but after our short amount of time there [for training], I'm not sure where we'll be, and thus who I will know.

As outgoing as I am, I can be slow to open up to friends who I don't have a good connection with.

I think the other things I worry about are: trying to find/hold a job that is in a field that I am interested in, as well as eventually having/raising kids in the Army life. I want the best possible life for our kiddos and it worries me that with the hubs being gone, they won't get the experience they deserve.

Dani said...

Mine is a bit selfish... aside for the obvious "worst fear," I worry about losing myself and my career because of his. I worked hard for my degree and my education, and I hope that I will be able to continue working and growing professionally in my career while he does with his. Because of this, I'm working on making my job "portable" so I can take it with me wherever I go and not lose that part of me! ♥

jwhitley said...

My hubby is currently trying to decide whether or not to re-enlist. I'm afraid that he'll regret whatever choice he makes. That if he choose not to he won't be able to find work and he'll be miserable. Or if chooses to re-enlist, we'll PCS halfway across the states and he'll be miserable there too. I'm very anxious about his decision.

Antiope said...

Well, my hubby and I are a dual-military couple, and he just deployed in May. I fear I'll get the word for another deployment for myself... right before he's set to come home. The thought of 2 years apart terrifies me. :(

Anonymous said...

I fear the transition from active to civilian. I worry that the military does not prepare for what it will be like outside the military (i.e., no set schedule as PT, work, lunch, work, go home, then repeat). I worry that there is not enough education to reacting situations in the civilian sector. I worry that military personnel and their families are not given the proper education in identifying the mental wounds. I worry that families will be torn apart because the military is still slow to respond and provide services to those suffering from emotional wounds. I worry that the VA will treat PTSD, TBI, and the like with medicine rather than working on fixing the problem. I worry that help in restoring broken marriages and families will never come.

Dawn said...

my worst fear is that even though we've got experience with long distances, i'm afraid of the time spent apart and the experiences he'll have to endure overseas will be too much for us to handle.

so far so good, but deep down i worry that he'd rather be alone than let me help him.

The Ayers Adventures said...

Well besides the worst fear of course I fear what he will see. I fear the horrible sights he will see and things that I can only imagine will haunt him. It's not the scariest fear I know but I know the more and more he sees the more I feel that he will be desensitized. Knowing he is a man I know he's not the most sensitive but to an extent I don't want him to be broken down! So it may sound a little bizarre but that is my fear and worry for him!

Mel said...

My biggest fear has always been whether or not he'll be the same, and we'll be the same when he gets back. I know war can change people, for the better and the worse, and I just hope it's much more of the former then the latter. I love him and will support him either way, but I want us to continue to want the same things for ourselves and for each other when he returns that we do now.

Mary Teresa said...

My biggest fear is that one of us is going to change too much to handle. We spend so much time apart growing, that what if we don't fit when we come back together. I spend a lot of time working hard to keep us moving in similar directions.

Sarah said...

Well, obviously we all share that "worst fear." I have some weird ones...

I'm afraid that he's going to get sick over there and they won't take care of him like I would.

I worry that he's not adjusting well.

I worry that he won't click well with the guys he works with.

I worry that I'll miss a call or IM from him.

I worry about him changing. I love him the way he is...

I worry about me becoming a hermit because I'm afraid I'll miss a call if I don't stay home.

I worry about making friends with him gone...or maybe the lack of friends [in real life] that I have.

I worry about not being able to get to him if something should happen.

I worry about finding out I'm pregnant while he's gone. {He's only been gone a week, so it's still possible and there's R&R too.}

I worry that I'm going to forget his face or what his touch feels like.

I worry that he's not getting spiritually fed while he's there.

I suppose that's most of my worries.

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

After reading the other comments, I see that I'm not giving you an original answer. But my biggest fear is that the deployment has changed us both so much as individuals that we won't know each other any more when he comes home. I know I'm not the same person I was when he left, and I wonder if he has changed as well. I wonder how long the readjustment phase will last, if it will take us longer than expected to adjust to living together again.

BTW, I think it's great you're using your blog and FB to poll mil spouses. I did that for my latest BSF piece, and I was thrilled to get so many responses. Can't wait to read your next article!! :)

Sammie said...

Besides the obvious, I have a couple worries that plague me:

I worry about having a second child. Our 2 year old was born before he joined the AF so he was here for everything. I'm afraid if I get pregnant, he'll be deployed when I give birth. Being alone during that most special of times terrifies me.

I worry that I won't be able to pursue a career of my own. I worked really hard for my degree & I have a lot of passion for my field. I am so proud of what he's doing, but I fear that I won't be able to reach for my dreams because of his.

addicted2shius said...

I worry about the usual stuff that all other milspouses worry about but I have some odd ones too (and I think Sarah nailed most of mine to a T).

More than perishing, I worry about him going MIA and being captured and tortured. I blame too many episodes of 24.

He worries that he won't be able to reconnect with our kids or that they might forget him. I secretly worry that our youngest might too :(

I worry that he might pick up old habits again (but that's really a small worry).

I sometimes worry about our safety while he's gone. Let's face it just cuz we're on base doesn't mean there aren't still crazies out there.

The Mrs. said...

You know, I just don't know if my thoughts on this count. The Mr. has been out of the Corps 3 years (at the end of the month!) However, I'm sharing anyway.

One of my biggest fears, aside from the obvious, was him changing. Which, he did. Another of my biggest fears changed. Orders without me, and the kids too! Towards the end, a big fear was transitioning out. What if he didn't get a job? What if he couldn't reenlist? What if he hates civilian life, and goes back to the military?

Most of all, above all those other fears, a fear I still carry today, what if we don't make it. As a family, we're doing it on our own, and I'm afraid of failing him, and the girls!

Alison @ One Lucky Monkey said...

I fear that our children might be negatively affected by moving a lot. I fear we won't know how to help them adjust correctly.

I fear that I won't make friends when we move.

I fear that my husband will make career decisions based on me and what he thinks will make me happy (even when I tell him not to) and then if they don't work out he could resent me.

I fear he doesn't tell me things because he doesn't want me to be sad - I want to feel what he feels. I want to understand.

Amanda said...

Mine is with our healthcare (besides the obvious one when they're deployed). Are all those immunizations REALLY necessary for our soldiers? Why can't our soldiers and families get the mental health care they need, and what is that doing to the fabric of those families? Why is it so hard to get specialty care, especially autism services when we need them, and what will that ultimately do to our kids? Why is the autism rate so high in military kids (last stat was 1 in 88)? I guess this all leads to when we retire. If we can't get the care we need when we're active duty, where does that leave us when we separate from the military? And then you have the VA system. Will my husband be able to get the care he needs after the Army is done using and abusing his body at their expense? How will this affect him as he ages? So many many questions.

Jessica said...

Well, aside from the obvious worst fear, I would have to say that I worry about the toll another deployment will take on the children and I worry about the adjustment period after the deployment is over.

Mateya said...

I would say my biggest fear during deployments (besides the obvious) is that things will be different between us when he comes back home. They never have been different and in both cases actually things have been better, but it's a fear nonetheless. With that distance between us and the circumstances, I can't help but worry that he won't love me anymore or things will feel different.

Sarah Ruth said...

My hubby is about to leave for his first deployment. I'm worried that he will change. That we won't be about to connect when he gets home.

Baby Love said...

My biggest worry RIGHT NOW is my husband's happiness. Every time he leaves our daughter it breaks his heart. I hate to see him so upset. I know that he hates leaving her and wants to get out, but there is also a part of him that loves the Army. He is going to have to make a decision in three years whether to stay or go and I know that there is no "right" decision, but I still want him to make the "best" decision.

I also worry about meeting people. I was on active duty prior to PCSing to our current duty station. I had no problem meeting people when I was on active duty, but now that I am not working, meeting people has been VERY difficult. The FRG is really active, which helps, but I have found it hard to really connect with people.

Christian Mommy Writer said...

I would have to say being pregnant or having a newborn along with my toddler while my hubby is deployed.

And you already know the obvious stuff. :-)

Mrs P said...

Welp, since I lived through ... err am living through... the "worst fear" I feel like an expert on the subject (haha).
First, I want to let everyone out there know that you never know what you are capable of until you have to do it. I know it doesn't ease anyone's fears and I of course am not saying (nor hoping) anyone here will have to do it, I'm just letting you all know that if, God forbid, you're faced with it, well you find a way to get on. I have no idea how, but you do.

Now, on to a widow's worst fears, because I do believe I still count (and even if I don't for the column I know I do for you because you love me).
So this widow's worst fears:
That I will forget. We get "widow brain" it sucks because so much happens you forget things, and sometimes your brain blocks things out. Now I am always faced with the constant fear that I will forget things. I know I already do, I try to draw up memories and I can't complete them, I pray they come back to me. But I'm just afraid I'll forget everything or even more importantly the feeling. The feeling of being happy and married and in love.

I'm afraid I won't represent him well. I actually posted about this yesterday (twice, I'm obsessed...) I'm afraid I'll do something out of character or "too soon" or "not soon enough" and people will say oh that Porto's wife, why did he marry her... she sucks and it will reflect poorly not only on myself but on my husband. It's stupid but it's a fear.

I'm terrified now that I'll lose someone else. I constantly check on my daughter. I have no idea how I'd ever get on if something happened to her. The "all I have left" mentality is a killer.

I'm also terrified of being alone. I'm afraid that in my next however many years of life, I will never love or be loved again. I have the mentality that no one can ever love me as good as he did and therefore I'm never going to let anyone in again and die lonely. Luckily baby girl and his spirit help relieve this one because I've got her so I'm never physically alone and I believe in my heart that I'm never alone from him either.

And there ya have it, the fears after the worst fear has already happened.

R said...

Mrs P - I'm crying now... can I just give you cyber hugs now? and everyone else too? I'm not military - my husband is a cop - so I kinda share the "worst fear" part (especially now that we have a toddler who adores her papa) - but I don't have to deal with the deployments, moving, etc... I am in awe of, and inspired by, the courage & strength of all of you military wives and families... thank you SO much for everything that y'all do.

Marie said...

I'm afraid that the time apart with change us too much and he wont like who I am.

I'm afraid that I may lose my career and so part of my identity if he moves anywhere else in the army. I work in the social service field and, let's face it, the economy isn't exactly supporting too many of those programs anymore.

Anonymous said...

Ok well first I need to say THANK YOU!!! I now feel so good that it is 1) ok to be afraid of my fears and 2) that I'm not completely crazy in my fears!!

I fear just as all that the "worst" will happen!
I also fear the MIA and torture! (only I am permited to torture him thank you very much!!)

I fear he will change! I have already seen him change over and over again and I just wonder how many times he will change and will he get a break on it!

This one Is a little odd but I fear of too much time together! For most of our marriage and relationship has been long distance and stress based! (as we all know too well!) {together for 13 years coming up married for 9} and I am so deathly afraid that we won't like each other when we are all we have! Will I be enough for him?

Will I/we be good at the happy family thing!!

I know silly but hey it's my fears! I have really wierd fears on a basic level though! Please don't judge me harshly but I am terrified of "little people" or midgets I'm not sure what the right term is! I don't know why but I am terrified!!!!!

Ok I rambled enough!!

Lindsey B said...

I fear the "worst fear." I am scared of being the one to have to tell my 2 and a half year old daughter who thinks he hung the moon, if the worst fear were to happen. I'm afraid he'll be different. I'm afraid he'll shut us out so that he won't have to miss us so much.

I'm afraid of alot of things.